AVERSION

No. I haven't heard back from any schools yet.

Ok. So I'm going back to a time in my life when I wrote things like: The snake clinked past like a roll of dirty quarters. I'm thinking... well... that's not a great line. In fact, I'm almost embarrassed that I wrote it. Adam and naked Eve, laying around like pink lungs (Oh brother) until rain filled the Tree of Cups. People. What is this garbage? I'm having a hard time distinguishing between creative exploration and simple whim.

When is an image ducking from the ball instead of catching it?

What is the difference between writing and lying?

I'm reading Carson's book on Eros right now. She talks about desire as a triple: lover, beloved, and something else. An absent presence, an aversion, a denial, a space that carries with it a certain weight. She sights a geometry in Sappho's poetry, a synaptic crossing-over between discreet points. I'm trying to figure out what that means. (Does writing triangulate?)

Alongside of Carson, I'm trudging through Lacan's section on the gaze. Don't ask me what he's talking about. I really, really don't know. But his language is constantly running away from itself. “This split, after awakening, persists—between the return of the real, the representation of the world that has at last fallen back on its feet, arms raised, what a terrible thing, what has happened, how horrible, how stupid, what an idiot he was to fall asleep—and the consciousness re-weaving itself, which knows it is the same, keeps a grip of itself, it is I who am living through all this, I have no need to pinch myself to known that I am not dreaming.” Yeah, man. Diagram that, mother fucker. But even though I have no idea what the hell this 'split' really is, I can locate my own split, my absence opening up like a window, then promptly shutting itself again. And sadly, this split is plain old self-consciousness, a naive what-the-fuck that feels strikingly similar to shoes, one size too small. (Is writing a really elaborate way of saying "I'm not good with philosophy, but look at that bird..."?)

Alongside of that, I'm looking at all the Epithelium entries. Cometa commented "I want to know what it's like to be excited over how much you don't know about something rather than intimidated and discouraged by it." Yeah, man. I hear you. Loud and fucking clear.