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Memo, June 7 2003 TO: CSB So here I am sitting at my desk, it's pissing down rain and I'm trying hard not to think about the painkillers I left at home, I'm eating babyfood with a plastic spoon and going over a couple of things. The things I am going over are this; THINGS THAT HAVE BEEN SAID ON THE SET OF A MOVIE THAT I DIRECTED. QUOTED DIRECTLY FROM THE FOOTAGE, PRESENTED OUT OF CONTEXT, FOR YOUR PLEASURE: "That take was the worst shit ever. Did you like it?" "I have my lines memorized. I just don't remember my character's name." "I hope this gets shown during my Leno spot." "That roach is a star!" "I guess it would have been easier if I'd just taken my bra off." Me: "Okay, let's do it again." "Just tell me to stop acting retarded, and I will." "Does the compostion make us look gay? Because I think the characters are straight, and gay composition might confuse the audience." "I think five seconds of straight-faced humping will do us right." "I do think the movie will be good, I just hate this scene." Non-Actor: "During the scene, I think we should just be chillin', you know, like this." "We'll start acting as soon as the X-Files goes to commercial." "Do you want me to take my pants off? Because I'm not wearing underwear." "That thing I said in the scene? I meant it. I've just never known how to say it to you before it was written as my lines." "Those were my best monster noises and you weren't even recording." "I think this goes a long way towards explaining the character's dumbassness." Me: "I wrote a scene where your character hits my character in the balls with a lead pipe." "Was that emotional enough? I can't give more emotion than that." "I can act anything except laughter." "Why are we even doing this? Can't we just stop and go home?" "I only said fuck once. Didn't I? Ah, fuck it." "I don't think sobriety helps the scene." "If this shot doesn't work, it's not my fault." "Oreos would help my performance." "I'm kind of going for a power-moment there, a power line fuck." "You're a genius, now shut up." Sometimes you remember the people you worked with fondly. Sometimes it's a miracle you remember anything at all. Either way, it's a powerful line fuck. And, as an addendum to my previous memo: Call DeNiro, see if we can get him for Tostitos: The Movie. Also see if he wants to coproduce Popular Recording Artist: The Movie, if we can get him to go in with us I'll bet he'll appear in it too. Still trying to secure the rights to Tits: The Movie. Some exec has asked that we include faces, but marketing feels we'll do fine with just Tits. Keep up the good, you know, whatever. And don't forget to tell people how to get in touch with us. |