|
Memo, June 18 2003 TO: CSB I am interested in the marketing aspects of commentary tracks. Send this to our marketing department and make sure they know I want no bullshit this time: Has a film ever been successfully sold on its commentary track?
Movies have been made on video, hell, sequels have been greenlit solely on
video sales (Austin Powers) or had their sequel budget skyrocket (X-Men), Or my favorite... hey, here's the direct-to-video sequel to a prior direct-to-video release... and you know you want to rent me... look, there's a giant crocodile on the cover... you know you want to see a giant crocodile! Rent me rent me rent me! Look at the back cover, it looks like those two girls are going to kiss, doesn't it? Don't you need to know if they DO? Look, I'm unrated! RENT ME! Oh, and take another note; have all back covers to all our DVD's contain a production still that suggests a lesbian sex scene. So sure, I'll rent PYTHON: The Movie. You know why? Director's commentary. Yes, I want to listen to the director of PYTHON: The Movie explain himself. Especially since I happen to know that he teaches film courses at Chapel Hill, North Carolina. I won't go into great detail, but I will say this... The movie opens with a lesbian sex scene. The director explains that this scene was not his idea, nor his execution; the producer of the movie (by which I mean the producer of PYTHON: The Movie for those with attention whatever the rest of that condtion is called) hired two actresses without the director's knowledge and shot the scene when the director was off-set on break. The scene begins with two women looking at each other hungrily (i.e. with expressions trying very hard to evoke lust and desire), take off their tops and then are eaten by a 35mm camera. Which, I suppose, was supposed to represent the POV of the Python of the title. But at that point I wasn't paying attention really to the visuals, they were background to a man explaining his embarrassment at an exploitative lesbian scene being forced into his movie. His... PYTHON: The Movie. I must admit a great affection for that director. But just how bankable is that director commentary? How many DVD sales are made or broken on the presence of a commentary track? How many of us eschewed the DVD of Traffic only to snap up Ocean's Eleven? I've watched Cannibal: The Musical more than twenty times on DVD... never without the commentary! I live for hearing Griffun Dunne and David Naughton's reaction to their own young faces on the commentary for An American Werewolf in London! Panic Room? The Game? FUCK EM! I keep watching Fight Club and Seven, so I can hear Brad Pitt talk about flipping the cap and the dangers of ADR looping. Am I alone? Am I the only guy who owns the original Evil Dead DVD just so I can hear Bruce Campbell talk about it?!? If I am not, and this equation proves true, if we find there is an audience for any film that has a potentially colorful commentary track... what if we created the most notorious director commentary ever? WHAT IF... we created a movie SOLELY to have commentary! No, I'm serious. You'd be amazed at how cheap it is to get something out and put it on a DVD. Why not? We film something on the fly, give it some lurid artwork, put the words SPECIAL EDITION DVD really big on the top... some shmoe in a Blocksbuster flips over the box and sees... "Includes commentary by every single one of the director's ex-girlfriends, all assembled in a room for the first time." He laughs in disbelief. Then he thinks about it. Would you rent it? I would. We get a couple of monkeys with time on their hands to shoot some digital video. A stoner friend or a guy who makes skater videos or somebody who always wanted to direct. And we give them carte blanche. Shoot whatever, just make it cheap. Lurid artwork, flips it over to see what its about... "Commentary by a chimp with an ice-pick and a very frightened man." You might call out certain films for their bad continuity... I say bad continuity = drug culture audience. "Commentary by a talkative young man peaking on LSD for the very first time." So we're hammering out a deal for Tostitos: The Movie. I admit, total one hundred percent crass commercialism. So how do we sell it as high art and personal expression? "Commentary by a very angry Latino." I figure if we can't get Carlos Mencia, we can always find a Latino whom we make very angry. Oh, I see, you're not interested in personal insight from people unless they're celebrities. Well, when we put out the disc for Pop Artist: The Movie, see if you can picture this: "First-ever commentary by George Clooney." Okay, with a little truth in advertising. "First-ever commentary by a restrained and prodded George Clooney." But I prefer high-concept commentary tracks to pandering to the stars, so I figure we get a hold of Joe's skater videos, and add; "Commentary by a man being spanked, and the woman who is spanking him." Or... "Commentary by an imprisoned alien from planet Y'zousvsiron." Or... "Commentary by brothers who are trying to kill each other." "Commentary by a malfunctioning robot." "Commentary by a crazed woman to whom is occasionally administered an electric shock." "Commentary by someone who thinks they are Julia Roberts." "Commentary by a Vietnam Vet who won't be let out of the room until the movie's over." "Commentary by Bill Paxton and a very angry horse." "Commentary by two lesbians as they are having sex, and occasionally smoking." The list goes on and on. Fact is, anybody can offer insight into a movie. And as long as they don't allow too much time for dead air, we'll put them on the DVD. "Commentary by a security guard with delusions and grandeur and a lot of time on his hands. And too much caffeine." Speak into the microphone, and don't forget to tell people how to get in touch with us. |