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Memo, May 26 2003 TO: CSB I'm tape-recording this memo simply because I have no paper, and I'm stuck in traffic outside a Waffle House in southern Virginia. You'll have to transcribe it for the site. I realize that this will create more work for you, and I promise I'll make it up to you--perhaps I'll let you come over and punch Ratner. TAPE TRANSCRIPT BEGINS: Just wanted to let you know that I went and saw Dreamcatcher with some punk, and when the lights came on, when it was over, he turned to me and said; "That was the most retarded thing I've ever seen." Which pretty much sums up what is the most sincerely polished turd of a movie that I've had the pleasure of enjoying ever. It's not Lake Placid. But it's not Batman and Robin either. It's exactly like what happens when a gifted filmaker and a good cast really wholeheartedly commit to a whackass fucking screenplay from a novel that has way too many more details than it should. It's the kind of movie where you want to read the book just to see if it could have been executed any differently. It's the kind of movie where you wonder why everyone got involved, not because it's so bad, but because it's so obvious how GOOD everyone involved is, and yet the movie is so fucking whacky! I mean... WHAT THE HELL WAS UP WITH THAT FUCKING MOVIE!?! AND WHY AM I ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING IT AGAIN!?! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!! It's like if The Goonies did a lot of acid and then were invaded by aliens. You ever been invaded by aliens on acid? Its a baaaaad trip, man. But it's also like the Sixth Sense. It even shares a performer. That's right, the guy from New Kids on The Block. It's like if Unbreakable got invaded by The Goonies on Acid who have already been invaded by Aliens from both Signs and Aliens. But it's also like Outbreak. Except when Donald Sutherland was court-martialed, Morgan Freeman took over. It's like Outbreak invaded The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable and Signs, all of whom had already been invaded by The Goonies on acid. And the whole thing is also like that short story Gray Matter from Night Shift, which is, to this day, the fucking grossest shit Stephen King ever wrote. BARF! So it's like the grossest King story was invaded by The Goonies on Acid who had already picked up The Sixth Sense who was hitchhiking with Unbreakable, and then they stopped at Signs who was being contained by Outbreak, with flashbacks to Simon Birch and the helicopter scene from Apocalypse Now thrown into a stew with Independence Day which was reading Night Shift and It with the guy from Deep Blue Sea who actually found a more audience-dividing sci-fiblockbuster to star in, with the drug dealer from Go hanging out with Brodie Bruce on loan from the Secret Stash, and a bad guy who sounded like Eric Idle speaking Hannibal Lecter chasing John Malkovich through his subconscious with just a touch of depressed latent homosexuality and male maternity to remind you a little bit of Longtime Companion. And when was the last time Tom Sizemore played, I shit you not, the young military hot-shot? No, really, Tom Sizemore was playing the Matt Damon role. He also went through the whole movie without a single wisecrack or ad-libbed put-down. Although he did smirk. But he was standing up straight and looking at the person at eye-level as he smirked at them. And the movie actually has these moments where you're a little in awe of how perfectly the elements have been set up, or the scenes have been played, or the audience has been manipulated. There are moments in the movie where I felt more disturbed than I had at a movie in years. There is one image of beautfiul creepiness. And I don't care what anybody says, the whole farting thing was the first case of a perfectly unfilmable Stephen King concept being used in a way that was very effective. The audience reaction was genuine to all the farting. It was very interesting farting. So how can a movie that so brilliantly moved an audience right around the half-way mark then elicit the "retarded" comment from some punk at the end? Well gee whiz, I couldn't tell you. Anyway, I wholeheartedly recommend the movie to anyone who wants to spend an hour in a Waffle House just laughing in hysterical disbelief and horror, then cover their face and try to stop laughing and just can't stop while their companion stirs their coffee and just stares at them with a look that says, "I can't believe you dragged me to see that." "Really. And just so you could understand that fucking memo."
Type this up, see the movie, and don't forget to tell people how to get in touch with us. :TAPE TRANSCRIPT ENDS |